I always – with breaks – come back to the lessons and read them. And I know, even I did it many times, I am just at the beginning to learn und understand what I am. But I had two big moments, when I started to understand and had an experience like an enlightment. One of theses moments was, when I awake the feeling inside me, when I was a teen and recognized what I am, and felt fear, and wrong, and that everybody would hate me if someone would discover it. I found that feeling again, and in this moment it was like a stone would drop – because I understand now, that this feeling of shame and to be wrong WAS RIGHT. It is the truth! The stone, which droped from my shoulders was the lie about myself, or what I learnd from the ‘community’ about equality. No – it is wrong, and I should be hatred for what I am – this is right and nothing is bad about this!
The second moment I had an ‘enlightment’ was, when God answered my question here and told me to apologize to my brother for my bad behaviour, when he asked me for a blow job some years ago. First moment, I thought, I never would do that – but a little time later, when high on meth, and doing my lessons, it grow to a big picture inside me, that of course is right! I should be happy to have such a brother, and it was a big failure of me, not to do it. And I felt a shame again. And I felt very sad about the chance I had and for the wrong way I have choosen. But, next time when wanking the pathetic dick, I was thinking about to give my brother a blow job. And I just had this picture in mind. This was the first time, and some month before I NEVER thought this would EVER happen. I know, this is the right path, and I want only follow this path!
These are two big aspects I see in very new light. And I know I never can give it back, what I owe to straight white man. And I owe God my life for the chance to learn and understand now.