Registered: 3 years, 9 months ago
I am a 75-year-old, masochistic, self-destructive, self-sabotaging, self-hating unhappy-that-I-was-born-to-be-a-faggot, retired and living in Phoenix, AZ. As much as it kills me to admit this, I no longer hate myself so much I wish to die. I woke up one morning thinking, How can I possibly serve a Master with unconditional loving devotion if I have no capacity to love.? I am not made of hundreds of disparate pieces that may or may not ultimately fit together to make a whole because no one has ever described, explained, drawn a picture, or otherwise found a way to communicate to me what my whole was created to look like, sound like, speak like, think like, act like, perform like, move like, feel like,or believe like. Then again, am I supposed be "LIKE" anyone or anything else in this universe, or are we all missing the point and instead of asking who am I supposed to be like, I should look within and declare to the world what I "AM"; how I see myself fitting into this world, and what I want the world to look forward to from me; speak the truth of who I am; Rule my thoughts, for as I think I will believe, and with belief in myself I can and will move Heaven and Earth to open up the right space at the right time, in the right place, in the right way for me to manifest that which is best for me to happen. Love opens; Hate closes. I have spent nearly the last 50 years hating my life, hating myself, hating the body I was given at birth; hating the period of history in which I'm living; hating hope for abandoning me and pretty much hating God and/or the Universe and/or The Big Is; and hating everything that I shoulda, coulda, woulda done with my life . . . that I didn't . . . if only I woulda done what I shoulda done when I coulda done it. I guess that takes me back to the beginning and "Start" . . . no, "Restart," . . . Thought - Belief - Action - Manifest. Today was created yesterday, and today I'm creating tomorrow, and together with all the past todays and tomorrows I'm endlessly creating the future. And when it comes time for that to be, I can only acclaim or blame myself, but I refuse to accept any shame. Izzy is going to have to step up and claim his part in that, because in the begging he gave me to Jessie and I have never found my way ro forgive him for that.
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